Learning how to poo on demand

Let me begin by apologising for the crudeness of the title. Forgive me, but I would like to share with you – in the spirit of openness – some of the lessons we have learnt and the struggles we have endured on our trip so far.

Campervan life is, in many ways, wonderful. We have experienced freedom in its most organic form, we have discovered the magic of time – how precious it is – and we have explored some breathtakingly beautiful little treasures hidden in this big continent of ours. But campervan life has another side to it, too – one that is far less glamorous. Pure freedom brings with it its challenges, and as a camping virgin (prior to this trip) I was in for a big shock.

Toilets

This has been one of the most difficult issues. Our campervan is actually pretty luxurious (compared to some others) and comes with its own little toilet. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Freedom to travel also entails freedom from modern infrastructure and plumbing. If you want to use the little toilet, you have to empty it (Florian and I have an agreement, however, that this is one of his jobs – I make up for it by providing sporadic bursts of entertainment in the form of singing. I know, lucky him).

But the biggest problem – and here I will be, forgive me, the crudest – is not being able to poo whenever you want. We don’t stay at campsites everyday (for they can be pretty costly), and so we are at the mercy of our bodily functions… in the wild. The solution? Hold it. Hold it for as long as you possibly can. Hold it like your life depends on it. And then, in the morning when you go for breakfast at a café, use this golden opportunity to get your business out of the way.

And herein lies the first, and perhaps biggest lesson learnt so far: learning how to do it on demand. It’s not always easy. And it’s not always successful. Most of the time it requires a lot of tea, patience and perseverance. But, in the end, it’s better than driving around with a Portaloo full of poo.

Showers

Our ‘luxurious’ campervan also comes with a shower, but it is almost unusable. The entire cubicle which consists of the toilet, sink and showerhead is tiny, and it is necessary – if you want to use the shower – to sit on the toilet while doing so. The water is cold and the pressure is weak. And, annoyingly, everything gets wet. Our bathroom is also a place for storage, so this is a particular issue.

Campsite showers – no matter how cold or filthy they can be – tend to be seen as a godsend. Having said that, I once showered at a campsite in Montenegro and the entire experience was horrendous. The campsite itself was less of a campsite and more of an old man’s backyard. The shower (if we can even call it that) was a hosepipe dangling from a wall. The water was ice cold, and you had to pull on a rope to get the water going. The shower area was basically outside, with nothing but a flimsy – and filthy – yellow curtain to protect your modesty. Had my hair not been so full of salt water and sweat, I might have skipped it. But I was desperate (have you seen how long my hair is?). And so, with Florian’s help and protection(!), I braved – and survived – possibly the worst shower experience of my life.

Over time, though, we have found more creative solutions. When we were in Greece I desperately wanted to wash my hair, but we also wanted to treat ourselves to a meal (meaning we didn’t want to pay for a campsite and dinner – you can guess which one we chose). The solution: a five litre bottle of mineral water that had gone warm in the bus. We were at the beach: I stood outside the bus, Florian inside on the raised step. And with some excellent coordination and teamwork, we managed to get my hair shampooed and conditioned in no time (we were really proud of this ingenuity).

Nevertheless, showering is a luxury that we appreciate greatly. If we happen to be travelling in an area near you, please invite us over for a shower!

Cooking

In my ‘real life’ (as I keep calling it), cooking is one of my great pleasures. I can spend ages in the kitchen cooking up a feast or baking goodies for my loved ones. Cooking in the campervan, however, is less enjoyable. The space is tight; everything – including the bed – smells of what you’ve eaten the night before; and washing up can be a nightmare.

I would like to say that we have come up with some innovative ways to deal with this but, alas, we haven’t. Instead, we have eaten out at very many restaurants and are now extremely poor. However, we hope that the next leg of the journey will be a time of economic prudence and frugality.

‘Glamping’ (you know, glamour camping)

Now, as a woman, this has been very hard for me. I want to paint my nails, I want to shape my eyebrows, and I want to wax my legs… the list goes on. And I started off very well, with good intentions and good actions. Whilst I endeavour to maintain this, I must admit that standards have slipped. My nails are short and tidy, but void of colour. My eyebrows are less than perfect… but I have come to accept this (thankfully, Florian can’t even notice the difference).

But it’s okay. The sun has filled me with a sensation of inner and outer radiance – something that only nature can do. And, for the first time in a long time, I wake up each morning without worries, without anxiety and without fears. I am exactly where I want to be, with exactly who I want to be with, and doing exactly what I want to do. Life doesn’t get much better than this. 

Let’s stop pretending

Okay, it is time to be honest. This blog is, and so far has been, a travel blog. And yet, it is hard to deny the overwhelming focus on food. Of course, discovering new places also means discovering new cuisines. But I cannot pretend that my food obsession is merely a small part of this trip and, by association, this blog.

Having spent a wonderful two days in Zurich, I was – surprisingly – at a loss about what to write. There was, of course, the beautiful city, with the huge lake at its centre, functioning as the heart of this small metropolis. There was also the river (or were there two? I obviously didn’t pay that much attention) which doubled up, surprisingly, as a city ‘swimming pool’ – though apparently the current is so strong it is only really possible to go in one direction: a nightmare for serious swimmers but, perhaps, a dream for lazy floaters like me. There were also the lovely people – old friends of Florian – who we ate, drank and enjoyed the sun with.

But do you want to know, truly, what the best and most memorable thing about Zurich was? The big pot of bubbling, hot cheese. I went to Zurich with a one-track mind: to find the most delicious cheese fondue in the city. And, thanks to a friend’s recommendation, we ended up at the Fribourger Fondue-Stübli (which I cannot recommend enough), where we indulged in a blend of Gruyere cheese, Vacherin cheese, wine and Kirsch served up in a big stoneware pot. We spent over an hour slowly dipping chunks of bread, potatoes, pickled onions and gherkins into this melting pot of heaven, savouring both the pungent flavours and the internal warmth it created.

It’s time to stop pretending. Of course, I do care about the cities we visit, the sights we see, the beaches we relax on… but, most of all, I care about the food we treat ourselves to, the flavours distinct to each country and the opportunity to take my taste buds on holiday with me.

And the other great bit? Meeting the people we love along the way. We were lucky enough to spend five days with my parents in our beautiful holiday home in Austria. We took a lift up to the top of the mountain, went for a boat ride on the lake, admired the most beautiful double-rainbow we ever saw, sought refuge from the rain by playing cards for hours on end and discovered Salzburg – Mozart’s hometown – together.

And can you guess what my favourite part of our time together was? (If not, you obviously don’t know me at all). It was the delicious, hot Indian meals that my lovely mum prepared everyday for us – her underfed (yeah, right), always-hungry (sad, but true) children. 

Fifty shades of green

When I try and think of London, I can picture only the grey of the streets and the harsh neon colours of Piccadilly Circus; the white walls of my old office and the dull beige curtains of our old flat. Colour, unsurprisingly, was not one of my main preoccupations.

This all changed the moment we arrived in Tuscany. We visited a number of little towns including Orvieto and Volterra, though it was San Gimignano that truly stole my heart – a small walled medieval hill town in the province of Siena, almost like a self-defined island amidst the sprawling Tuscan hills. The town itself was very pretty, consisting of beautiful churches and piazzas, picturesque streets and towers.

But it was the landscape that took my breath away. Having spent practically no time in the countryside previously, my knowledge of the colour green was elementary – grass is green, trees are green. And yet here was an entire universe of just this one colour.

There were illuminating, parrot green trees that made sure we all knew it was still summer. But then there were thicker, darker green trees that were a reminder of the inevitability of autumn. The silvery green trees were almost a tease, making me think of Christmas though it was only the beginning of September. And, of course, the cypress trees – typical of the Tuscan region – stood tall and proud, the natural protectors of this beautiful landscape.

Wrapped up in the walls of the town was a peaceful courtyard – the only sound came from the drifting melodies of the harpist in the corner. Though surrounded by high walls and therefore unable to actually see the landscape, it was impossible not to feel the beauty that engulfed us.

It reminded me, once again, of the importance of standing still – not just literally, but also figuratively. Human nature is such that we are always so preoccupied with what we feel we must avoid and, by contrast, what we aspire to have/be that we rarely just stop and look around at life as it is.

Each moment counts, and there is colour and life everywhere. Just look around, and you will see it. I want to take the time out of every day – no matter how busy it might feel – to appreciate everything: the infinite universe of colour, the signs that tell us (sometimes subtly, sometimes explicitly) that a new season is about to begin, and the knowledge that the world is beautiful just as it is.  

I hope – no, I know – that when I return to London, I will see more than just grey and beige. And I will allow more than just a cursory glance at my surroundings. I want to internalise everything I see, every place I go to, adding it all to my mind’s memory bank, enriching my eyes’ colour scale, and sharpening my understanding of the richness of the world.

A tale of two cities

One is dirty, loud and anarchic; the other is epic, artistic and grand. One is the home of pizza; the other is the capital of the Catholic world.

Pizza pilgrimage

“iPad! You want iPad?” shouted the grinning man, with his thick Italian accent, through my passenger seat window. It took me a few seconds to understand what he was asking, in which time I called Florian over for back up.

“You want iPad?” repeated the man, now showing us (what we believe to be) a freshly stolen iPad (there was no case or box) that he had been clutching to his chest.

“No!” we both exclaimed in unison, each of us conjuring up images of the poor tourists who had just been mugged. Before we had a chance to react, the iPad-flogging thief had given us a final grin and a quick “ciao” – he was long gone.

We were in Naples, after all, a mafia hotspot and a city described in my guidebook as “a raucous hell-broth of a city”. Though we were only there for a few hours, it was clear that Naples is a living, breathing and heaving city – full of life, chaos and the obligatory dirt that comes with it. The streets were hectic, the floor was dirty, and there was a buzz in the air that grew louder and stronger the further into the city we got.

We were there on a mission: to eat pizza (after all, Naples is where pizza was created) and we went straight to a small, dark street called Via dei Tribunali notorious for its pizzerias.

The pizzeria we chose – Del Presidente – was recommended by our guidebook and by a friend. It was, from the outside, nothing special. But as we walked in, right past a giant oven with an enormous blazing fire, we knew that this was the real deal. We ordered a margherita and a tomato-less pizza with rocket and cheese. And the verdict? They were divine – the best we ever ate.

It turns out that this pizzeria is where British über-chef Heston Blumenthal came when researching pizza for his television series ‘In Search of Perfection’.

And, of course, in Blumenthal we trust.

When in Rome

Rome was so very different to Naples. It was still chaotic and buzzing, but not in the same way. The streets were full of tourists, fountains and over-priced gelatarias. We spent two days in Rome – the second was dedicated to Ancient Rome, whilst the first to almost everything else!

We went to Vatican City and in to St Peter’s Basilica – which was breathtaking – a true powerhouse of religion, it was hard not to feel the immensity of this rich and spectacular church. The Pantheon was striking, and its architectural significance of being the largest unreinforced concrete dome ever built was not wasted on us. The Spanish Steps were more a meeting place for lovers than a real tourist attraction, and the Trevi Fountain must contain the highest concentration of wishes and loose change in one place.

In the end, our experience of these two cities came full circle. In Naples, we were full of regret for not having been able to return the stolen iPad to its rightful owner, and in Rome we ourselves became the victims of petty theft. The damage was very little – just a stolen mobile phone (and that too a very old one) – but it was enough to push us right out of the city.

And now we find ourselves in Tuscany. There is no buzzing, no chaos. We are surrounded by gentle hills, the greenest of trees and the fresh cool breeze that September brings.