Learning how to poo on demand

Let me begin by apologising for the crudeness of the title. Forgive me, but I would like to share with you – in the spirit of openness – some of the lessons we have learnt and the struggles we have endured on our trip so far.

Campervan life is, in many ways, wonderful. We have experienced freedom in its most organic form, we have discovered the magic of time – how precious it is – and we have explored some breathtakingly beautiful little treasures hidden in this big continent of ours. But campervan life has another side to it, too – one that is far less glamorous. Pure freedom brings with it its challenges, and as a camping virgin (prior to this trip) I was in for a big shock.

Toilets

This has been one of the most difficult issues. Our campervan is actually pretty luxurious (compared to some others) and comes with its own little toilet. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Freedom to travel also entails freedom from modern infrastructure and plumbing. If you want to use the little toilet, you have to empty it (Florian and I have an agreement, however, that this is one of his jobs – I make up for it by providing sporadic bursts of entertainment in the form of singing. I know, lucky him).

But the biggest problem – and here I will be, forgive me, the crudest – is not being able to poo whenever you want. We don’t stay at campsites everyday (for they can be pretty costly), and so we are at the mercy of our bodily functions… in the wild. The solution? Hold it. Hold it for as long as you possibly can. Hold it like your life depends on it. And then, in the morning when you go for breakfast at a café, use this golden opportunity to get your business out of the way.

And herein lies the first, and perhaps biggest lesson learnt so far: learning how to do it on demand. It’s not always easy. And it’s not always successful. Most of the time it requires a lot of tea, patience and perseverance. But, in the end, it’s better than driving around with a Portaloo full of poo.

Showers

Our ‘luxurious’ campervan also comes with a shower, but it is almost unusable. The entire cubicle which consists of the toilet, sink and showerhead is tiny, and it is necessary – if you want to use the shower – to sit on the toilet while doing so. The water is cold and the pressure is weak. And, annoyingly, everything gets wet. Our bathroom is also a place for storage, so this is a particular issue.

Campsite showers – no matter how cold or filthy they can be – tend to be seen as a godsend. Having said that, I once showered at a campsite in Montenegro and the entire experience was horrendous. The campsite itself was less of a campsite and more of an old man’s backyard. The shower (if we can even call it that) was a hosepipe dangling from a wall. The water was ice cold, and you had to pull on a rope to get the water going. The shower area was basically outside, with nothing but a flimsy – and filthy – yellow curtain to protect your modesty. Had my hair not been so full of salt water and sweat, I might have skipped it. But I was desperate (have you seen how long my hair is?). And so, with Florian’s help and protection(!), I braved – and survived – possibly the worst shower experience of my life.

Over time, though, we have found more creative solutions. When we were in Greece I desperately wanted to wash my hair, but we also wanted to treat ourselves to a meal (meaning we didn’t want to pay for a campsite and dinner – you can guess which one we chose). The solution: a five litre bottle of mineral water that had gone warm in the bus. We were at the beach: I stood outside the bus, Florian inside on the raised step. And with some excellent coordination and teamwork, we managed to get my hair shampooed and conditioned in no time (we were really proud of this ingenuity).

Nevertheless, showering is a luxury that we appreciate greatly. If we happen to be travelling in an area near you, please invite us over for a shower!

Cooking

In my ‘real life’ (as I keep calling it), cooking is one of my great pleasures. I can spend ages in the kitchen cooking up a feast or baking goodies for my loved ones. Cooking in the campervan, however, is less enjoyable. The space is tight; everything – including the bed – smells of what you’ve eaten the night before; and washing up can be a nightmare.

I would like to say that we have come up with some innovative ways to deal with this but, alas, we haven’t. Instead, we have eaten out at very many restaurants and are now extremely poor. However, we hope that the next leg of the journey will be a time of economic prudence and frugality.

‘Glamping’ (you know, glamour camping)

Now, as a woman, this has been very hard for me. I want to paint my nails, I want to shape my eyebrows, and I want to wax my legs… the list goes on. And I started off very well, with good intentions and good actions. Whilst I endeavour to maintain this, I must admit that standards have slipped. My nails are short and tidy, but void of colour. My eyebrows are less than perfect… but I have come to accept this (thankfully, Florian can’t even notice the difference).

But it’s okay. The sun has filled me with a sensation of inner and outer radiance – something that only nature can do. And, for the first time in a long time, I wake up each morning without worries, without anxiety and without fears. I am exactly where I want to be, with exactly who I want to be with, and doing exactly what I want to do. Life doesn’t get much better than this.